So, this week was interesting...the hubs and I spent a few days in Amish country. Anyone who has ever been or seen an Amish woman knows that they do not wear flashy clothes, their hair is pulled up, and the skirts are long. If it comes in plain pink or blue or maybe black, the have clothes made of it. I noticed that although they are clearly different from one to the next, they are all oddly similar, and their uniqueness gets blended away. I feel this way. I feel that in my bigness, I am grouped with all like sized people....the ones people see and think about their size, their smell, their general uckiness..... I would love to be Amish-like, so I can be like everyone else around and just blend in....no special attention, no flashy clothes, no big fat body. I want a facade that says I'm the same as everyone else.
Now, I've been a big girl for a loooonnnnggg time, but tonight I felt especially big. I was at a party with a bunch of work people, some with their spouses, some just themselves.....I never really felt a part of it, but clearly I was, because I was there. I got my feelings hurt and I'm not sure how to handle it....but it got me thinking that the only thing that stands out to them is my size....not my winning disposition or my biting sarcasm.....I just feel so not how I should after spending the evening amongst friends....or at the very least amongst co-workers. I dunno....until tonight being the big girl at work didn't bother. There were a dozen people or more there, but I felt completely alone!
I wonder if I'm focused on my big girl same-ness because surgery is getting more and more a real reality? Or is it because I'm starting to open up about it? Either way, I hope this feeling passes..... I need to cling to what ever self-esteem I can muster.
Its just an "off" day.....I hope!
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