Can I be Amish?

So, this week was interesting...the hubs and I spent a few days in Amish country. Anyone who has ever been or seen an Amish woman knows that they do not wear flashy clothes, their hair is pulled up, and the skirts are long. If it comes in plain pink or blue or maybe black, the have clothes made of it. I noticed that although they are clearly different from one to the next, they are all oddly similar, and their uniqueness gets blended away. I feel this way. I feel that in my bigness, I am grouped with all like sized people....the ones people see and think about their size, their smell, their general uckiness..... I would love to be Amish-like, so I can be like everyone else around and just blend in....no special attention, no flashy clothes, no big fat body. I want a facade that says I'm the same as everyone else.

Now, I've been a big girl for a loooonnnnggg time, but tonight I felt especially big. I was at a party with a bunch of work people, some with their spouses, some just themselves.....I never really felt a part of it, but clearly I was, because I was there. I got my feelings hurt and I'm not sure how to handle it....but it got me thinking that the only thing that stands out to them is my size....not my winning disposition or my biting sarcasm.....I just feel so not how I should after spending the evening amongst friends....or at the very least amongst co-workers. I dunno....until tonight being the big girl at work didn't bother. There were a dozen people or more there, but I felt completely alone!

I wonder if I'm focused on my big girl same-ness because surgery is getting more and more a real reality? Or is it because I'm starting to open up about it? Either way, I hope this feeling passes..... I need to cling to what ever self-esteem I can muster.

Its just an "off" day.....I hope!

A real Zinger

So, I'm diabetic....which means no sugar or at the very least very little sugar.....why is that today I've eaten almost a whole box of Zingers? Is it because I'm hungry? Probably not.... Is it because they're so darn tasty? Could be.... Or is it because post-surgery I won't be able to eat them?! That's probably more like it.... or could it be stress? I wonder.... but for now I'm picking out the little pieces of coconut that come on the Raspberry Zingers....mmmm....

Friday I got the first billing from OSU for my psych exam.... I owe over $300~ freakin A! Now, I make a decent living, but $300! Why is that I have to go to the doctor's insurance says, but they are not in-network? I have to go to this particular doctor, who practices at a certain hospital, and they won't cover it but will apply it to my deductible?!! Man, this is going to expensive.....can I afford it? Maybe I should get a second job?!

After all, by the time surgery is done, I'll need the extra income for all that shopping!!

Dress me and tress me!

Today I went with the girls at lunch and did a little shopping...by little I mean a necklace...a necklace for the soon-to-be new-me! I was double dog dared to buy it....so I did. Now, I don't wear costume jewelry and big funky necklaces, I think I'm too big for all that.... So this one, is my inspiration necklace...... currently my darn neck is too big, but I'm certain it will look smoking with a black shirt and a pair of jeans!! (OOOhhhh....maybe some boots?!!)

One of my biggest fears with surgery is losing my hair afterwards, I've known people who's hair went thin and stringy post-op. I know its hair and once I get the right nutritional balance it'll grow back if I lose some.....but its hair! My hair! My curly, blond, hair! What would I do with out it? I was pondering this today as I saw the best/worst comb over I've seen in recent memory....one of those completely bald at the crown and 3/4 of the top of the head and it somehow was glued together to make an inch wide section of head covering....classic!

Crazy busy week at work this week and at home....hubs ran over his foot with a pallet jack...off to the ER. Where I was told, "You're in Dublin, we don't have water fountains!" Seriously? You would rather get me a glass with ice and purified water than clutter up your hall with a fountain?! So, spent a few hours in the hospital,which must have influenced my dreams because next thing I knew, I was dreaming that I wrote my obit. In this dream I was running around pre-op telling everyone how to pay bills online, where the check book is, and saying my goodbyes. I was adamant that they publish this certain obit, and since I work there, it would be free....so I wanted a photo, damn it! Surgery is scary business, but the risks are minimal and in the end, it will be so worth it!

Ins, outs, and others....

So today is a really hectic day at work...but I choose today to start making some decisions...Today I'm going to start letting certain, choice, people know that I'm going to have this major life changing event...a bypass. My secret is coming out! Today isn't a day for fear;people like me, they'll be happy for this decision. Overwhelming support is the way it went for me today! They like me, they really like me....and want me to be healthy! (Plus, when the time comes, it'll give us all a reason to shop!!)

As I sat at lunch drinking my super gigantic Diet Dr Pepper I got a little misty....not because the carbonation was choking me, but because I realized just how much I will miss the Dr! Post bypass is a life without pop! Or at least not in the big giant version I so desperately love!

For the moment, I'm dreaming of the life I will have.....what a life that will be!

An attempt to get it out

Today is the first day of the rest of your life....isn't that how that saying goes? Let me tell ya, I've got a lot of things going on....between family, work, and myself, I've got a lot of conflicting feelings and work to do! First, let me start by saying my sister and I live here and my mom lives in another state....mom has a lot of stuff going on, which stresses us out thinking about her. My sister has three children, one has his first girlfriend and the other is in love with her....and the middle one, she's a handful, but she is a good kid. I have opened my home up, with my husband, to his sister and her daughter. In the meantime we are also hosting a small group for church (love it!), adjusting to a stranger work schedule (his), and also gearing up and doing reseach for an upcoming gastric bypass (mine) I am currently five months into a six month doctor supervised weightloss program....there I said it, now the world knows. Its not that I'm not going to tell anyone, I just don't think anyone needs to know until I get ready to go under the knife....which right now seems to be the end of October, the middle of November.

I am thinking this will be a good outlet for my fears, thoughts, and frustrations as I get ready for the biggest day of my life.....which until recently was my marriage....now its surgery day!

Here's hoping I get healthy and less stressed as time goes by!